Pete's Jokes 3
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound
asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically Speaking, it tells me there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise it
appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and
we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent. '
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Why We Love Kids
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the
toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my
bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw
this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
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On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions
expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
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A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked
her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she
added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
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A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst
into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then
asked, "What's the matter - haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
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While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years
old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the
report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told
her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
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It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9
partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there," he asked.
"It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said,
"What'd he do?"
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While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter
on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced
myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never
believe this!"
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A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I
can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
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A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly,
something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had
been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear.
Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was
to find the most caring child.
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbour was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his
wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just
sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him
cry."
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The Pope in Heaven
The Pope dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter is showing him around, when they reach Heaven's
library, which contains every book ever written.
'Oh, St. Peter!' exclaims the Pope. 'This *is* Heaven! I've always wanted to read the very first, *original* texts
of the Holy Scriptures! May I do that here?'
'Of course,' says St. Peter, and leaves the Pope to his reading.
The Pope, overjoyed to immerse himself in the Good Book as it was written, without relying on any modern
interpretations, reads and reads, for hour after hour...
Suddenly, there's an anguished scream in the library. St. Peter rushes in to see what's wrong, and finds the Pope
sobbing and muttering, 'They left out the 'R'...! They left out the 'R'...!'
St. Peter asks the Pope, 'What's the matter?'
The Pope manages to collect himself long enough to explain: 'It's the letter 'R'... The word is supposed to be
CELEBRATE!'
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